"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot

"You were once wild here, don't let them tame you!" ~Isadora Duncan

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." ~Andre Gide

"Follow your bliss!" ~J. Campbell ... and my folks!

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~Andy Warhol

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ~Nelson Mandela

"...open and expanding like an unfinished book..." ~Quote from a friend, Travis Judd

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." ~St. Francis of Assisi

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." ~Nelson Mandela

"The capacity to be puzzled is ... the premise of all creation, be it in art or in science." ~Erich Fromm

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." ~Mae West

"Theatre is a form of knowledge; it should and can also be a means of transforming society. Theatre can help us build our future, rather than just waiting for it." ~Augusto Boal

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

One of those moments.

So I'm having one of those moments where I wonder if I'm good at anything. It's rather irrational I realize but none the less, here I sit amidst my fear of being nothing.

I know exactly what triggered this terrible train of thought, a former classmate (from grad school) of mine has gotten a job and announced it one the space of face. A teaching job. (Oh yeah, and he's one of the lucky one's who managed to get back over to the UK, get married, have a theatre career, and now has gotten a teaching job in another foreign country ... while I sit here and do what?) Now, while I'm happy for my classmate (I really am, no matter how jealous I may be, I am happy for him), I'm also totally bummed for myself. I wonder what my life has become ... unable to get a "real" (ok, full time not real) job ... and at the same time, on a parallel track I suppose, runs the train of thought that says I'm not "good enough" to get a teaching job. That I don't have the qualifications to be a professor ... how could I submit myself for "that" job ... how do I write a ('cause no I still haven't finished it) Teaching Philosophy, or create a good syllabus ... etc ...

Again, I know these are stupid rather irrational thoughts, because while I do have them I am also well aware that I could teach. I can write a teaching philosophy (though it's proving to be difficult), I can create a syllabus, and I could hold my own in a classroom - especially if it was drama. So why this self doubt at all then? And how do I get myself away from this horrible train of thought when it arises? How do I turn myself into one of those people who can just make it happen? Against all the odds, make it happen?! And, for that matter, what exactly is it that I want to make happen? (Long term happen? Short term happen? WHAT?! Oh yeah, and HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Does any of this make sense? Am I a total nutter?

I hate moments like these.

And by the by, where is that sugar daddy I ordered?

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