"Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go." ~T.S. Eliot

"You were once wild here, don't let them tame you!" ~Isadora Duncan

"Be faithful to that which exists within yourself." ~Andre Gide

"Follow your bliss!" ~J. Campbell ... and my folks!

"The idea of waiting for something makes it more exciting." ~Andy Warhol

"There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living." ~Nelson Mandela

"...open and expanding like an unfinished book..." ~Quote from a friend, Travis Judd

"Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible." ~St. Francis of Assisi

"And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." ~Nelson Mandela

"The capacity to be puzzled is ... the premise of all creation, be it in art or in science." ~Erich Fromm

"Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before." ~Mae West

"Theatre is a form of knowledge; it should and can also be a means of transforming society. Theatre can help us build our future, rather than just waiting for it." ~Augusto Boal

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Unwavering!?!?

This post is actually something I shorthanded Monday night while waiting for a phone interview that never happened...I've expanded it a bit.

Unwavering!?!?
A very good friend of mine recently told me that she admired my unwavering dedication to the pursuit of a job in the world of theatre. Unwavering, ha! That was pretty much my response to her. Though I am very appreciative of her compliment, I do not feel that I have this unwavering dedication.

If she only knew I doubt myself, almost daily, and half the time I believe that I apply to things "knowing" I'll never get them, not even a return email saying that they received my information. *How many times have I pondered other fields I could have (and often times feel I should have) gone into. Culinary Arts. Photography. Film. Elementary or Middle School Teacher. etc...

I find myself over scrutinizing job ads sometimes, wondering how I could consider myself qualified for the job. In my mind I question what, on my resume, would make me worthy of obtaining that job. This is the internal dialogue I often fight down when I send out an application, not every application, some feel ubelievably suited to me, while others feel ... questionable. I know - for a fact - that I am very qualified in the world of theatre, and for many different jobs within it. So, why this self doubt? And how to conquer it for good?

This is what I was thinking while I was sitting and waiting for the phone to ring for a scheduled interview I was supposed to have at 3pm West Coast (or 6pm East Coast) on Monday the 24th.

The feelings above, which are not new to me, began while I was typing up the class overview I'd created, and which was a requirement for the interview. The entire time I was creating it I was wondering why I felt qualified to teach someone else these things - which I do know, and feel comfortable with, so why was I questioning it????? Self doubt sucks! Well I gott'er'done and sent it off before going to work.

I waited around after my Drama Kids class - which ended at 5:45pm, so that I wouldn't be driving when the phone rang for the interview. And while I was sitting there some of the above spilled out onto a piece of paper, as did this ...

Phone interviews can make me nervous, a phone interview. Haha. My hands feel a bit shakey right now.
I feel judged - prejudged by this company for some reason. (I think I know why ...)
My hearts beating loudly - well, hard that is - is that what people mean when they say or write that, that their heart is beating 'loudly'?
I feel neverous, in the pit of my stomach, and afraid of my impending (it's 6:02pm) interview.
Why?
Why should I feel nervous, they obviously saw something in my resume worth awarding me an interview. And I am good at what I do!
It's my class arc, this is why I feel nervous, I'm afraid now that I've created a very basic one for them, that it's not going to cut it with them.

6:05pm - Heart throbbing.
6:07pm - Feeling calmer now. I can do this, I'm good at what I do and I know it!
6:12pm - Not going to wait much longer, I have an hour drive home.
6:15pm - They're only supposed to be 1/2 hour interview time slots, so ... um ... and I sent my stuff to the artistic director at 1pm (or 10am West Coast time), so he's had plenty of time to check it over.
6:16 - I've now waited a half an hour in this place for what appears to be NO REASON!
6:19 - Done waiting. I'm going home now.
HOW RUDE! Oh, and I receive all my emails on my pone, and there are none from them so ...
7:20 Home now. And still NOTHING!


Right well...obviously I do not have a good impression of this company now, not only did they blow me off on Monday, but I have yet to hear from them and it's Wednesday!

I've asked a friend in L.A. if he's heard of the company and he said no, nor had any of his friends ... don't know if that's telling or not - I'm sure there's tons of theatre out there.

A ventured guess:
In my email to the Artistic Director (with the class overview and my resume) I made a query about the teacher 'salary', stating that I'm in NY and can't afford to up and move to L.A. unless the job is financially beneficial. *Adding that I had hoped the company would be interested in me as both a teacher and stage manager. I don't think this is an inappropriate remark/question to ask so I didn't fret putting it into the email. Perhaps they didn't like that. Or perhaps my class overview was not what they wanted. Whatever their reason for not wanting to interview me, they should have let me know!!!

I mean, this is the company I asked for a postponed interview time and they granted it, with gratitude for my wanting to be prepared ...

Right well ... that's enough about that! ;o)
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